And so it begins - a new year and a chance to wipe the slate clean and start again. Of course we all have that chance any time we want it really, but somehow it's far more significant at the start of a new year.
So I am going to try, once again, to wipe the slate clean and start again. I guess the hardest part of doing that, is working out what parts of your life you no longer want or need, and what parts to keep.
For my part, I'm trying to mentally categorise all the things that have held me back, though for the most part it seems to be my own internal monologue and fear.
Some of it is external - people who place us in a box, while we settle in, albeit sometimes uneasily, and adhere to the roles other people have created for us. Is that how I want to be perceived? Is that who I want to be?
Sometimes I think it's easier settling into these roles that forging ahead and creating a new one - tapping into uncharted territory as it were.
For example, in at least one group of friends I'm known as the group Mum. Partially because I'm older, partially because they say I'm a good listener, problem solver and picker upper when things fall apart.
As flattering as this can be, I'm not sure if I want to be known as a Mum. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Mum, but since I'm not literally a mother, nor is the age gap so wide that I could have been their mother, I feel somehow a) underserving of the title and b) as though this restricts my behaviour and creates a stigma I'm not too comfortable with.
I do try to be responsible and all the other things that come with maturity, but being labelled in a group as "Mum" somehow then means you are not seen as an eligible match for anyone or even as an attractive female. You are no longer a sexual person in any respect, you are a family member. Being a family member is great, but I would still like to know I can still be found attractive. Does that make any sense?
In any respect, I've decided that perhaps it's time the kids grew up and became independant. This "Mum" of the group has decided it's time to spend some time pursuing things she enjoys, instead of just supporting the "kids" in their pursuits.
The hard part is... what is it that I enjoy? I've spent so many years "being there" for other people, I'm not even really sure where to begin in working out what I like and how I want to spend my time.
So, since I enjoyed my guitar lessons so much, I've trawled through the community college courses again and I'm going to try exploring a few different things to work out what I like. First things on the list are singing, visual art and meditation. After that, I'm thinking basic car maintenance and archery.
Stay tuned :-)
