A New Year

And so it begins - a new year and a chance to wipe the slate clean and start again. Of course we all have that chance any time we want it really, but somehow it's far more significant at the start of a new year.

So I am going to try, once again, to wipe the slate clean and start again. I guess the hardest part of doing that, is working out what parts of your life you no longer want or need, and what parts to keep.

For my part, I'm trying to mentally categorise all the things that have held me back, though for the most part it seems to be my own internal monologue and fear.

Some of it is external - people who place us in a box, while we settle in, albeit sometimes uneasily, and adhere to the roles other people have created for us. Is that how I want to be perceived? Is that who I want to be?

Sometimes I think it's easier settling into these roles that forging ahead and creating a new one - tapping into uncharted territory as it were.

For example, in at least one group of friends I'm known as the group Mum. Partially because I'm older, partially because they say I'm a good listener, problem solver and picker upper when things fall apart.

As flattering as this can be, I'm not sure if I want to be known as a Mum. Not that there's anything wrong with being a Mum, but since I'm not literally a mother, nor is the age gap so wide that I could have been their mother, I feel somehow a) underserving of the title and b) as though this restricts my behaviour and creates a stigma I'm not too comfortable with.

I do try to be responsible and all the other things that come with maturity, but being labelled in a group as "Mum" somehow then means you are not seen as an eligible match for anyone or even as an attractive female. You are no longer a sexual person in any respect, you are a family member. Being a family member is great, but I would still like to know I can still be found attractive. Does that make any sense?

In any respect, I've decided that perhaps it's time the kids grew up and became independant. This "Mum" of the group has decided it's time to spend some time pursuing things she enjoys, instead of just supporting the "kids" in their pursuits.

The hard part is... what is it that I enjoy? I've spent so many years "being there" for other people, I'm not even really sure where to begin in working out what I like and how I want to spend my time.

So, since I enjoyed my guitar lessons so much, I've trawled through the community college courses again and I'm going to try exploring a few different things to work out what I like. First things on the list are singing, visual art and meditation. After that, I'm thinking basic car maintenance and archery.

Stay tuned :-)

Birthdays

Birthday's are always a good time for reflection.

How far have I come? What have I really achieved? What do I want to achieve? Is this really where I thought my life was heading?

Also, as much as I hate to admit it, it's also a time to sit back and reflect on the people you have around you. I know how this is going to sound as soon as I explain it, but hear me out.

I spend a lot of time and effort throughout the year trying to make sure my closest friends feel loved and special, particularly on their birthdays. Sometimes this involves a reasonable amount of money, sometimes it's time and effort. Often it's both.

When it comes around to me though, it feels like I am lucky to get a hug and sometimes it's an sms or fb message.

Not exactly what I would say are stellar returns.

The question then becomes... is it me? or are they insensitive, selfish, self centred and lazy? Do I expect too much?

Then comes the question "What do I expect?"

Well, honestly, I'd like to feel like you give a shit. Really. Not just sent a message because fb reminded you to.

Don't get me wrong, it certainly hasn't been everyone. But some people have really surprised me because I wasn't expecting it and others have left me somewhat hurt because I thought, out of those really close to me, they would have made some kind of an effort, and they havn't.

And no, it's not about the presents... it's about the presence...

A Poison Tree

A Poison Tree

I was angry with my friend:
I told my wrath, my wrath did end.
I was angry with my foe:
I told it not, my wrath did grow.

And I waterd it in fears
Night & morning with my tears;
And I sunned it with smiles,
And with soft deceitful wiles.

And it grew both day and night,
Till it bore an apple bright.
And my foe beheld it shine,
And he knew that it was mine,

And into my garden stole,
When the night had veiled the pole;
In the morning glad I see
My foe outstretchd beneath the tree.
 
William Blake

I love this poem because it represents something I really hate about some humans - that they would put so much effort into the destruction of another, and yet so little into the creation of understanding and trying to bridge the gap with others.

I thought it was an appropriate follow on from my previous post. Though, given that this was written in about 1794, perhaps this is not a new issue.

There are many things I don't understand...

...the main thing I don't understand is how selfish the world has become.

As an example I had this conversation with a friend of mine who is a few years younger than me:

L: Well when you date someone, you take a vested interest in their happiness, more so than you would for a friend...

Me: Why?

L: Because you're dating them...

Me: No... why would you not take a vested interest in the happiness of your friends?

L: Because they're friends, not someone you're dating...

Me: Yes, but your friends were probably there first, and they'll be there after your partner. If my friends are happy, then we can all help each other and all be happier and enjoy each others company more. Not that I don't want to make a partner happy, I do, but I don't see why my friends don't also deserve my wanting to help them be happy too...

L: ...That's sad...

Me: That I think that way?!?!

L: No... that everybody else doesn't...

So... Why DOESN'T everyone think that way? People used to, didn't they? Love thy neighbour and all that? What happened?

Don't get me wrong, I know there will always be people who will try to take advantage, but you learn pretty quickly when it's not reciprocated and you can redirect your energy back to people who respond in kind.

When did the world become so.... self serving.. is that the right word? Was it always this way, and I just had rose coloured glasses on?

It seems to be everywhere though. Work, home, family, friends. A lot of people seem willing to take take take, but not so generous with the give give give.

It's a bit like everyone pushing and shoving each other to get to the front of the "we are successful" queue while grabbing and snatching as much as they can on the way, at the expense of everyone else. Don't they realise that there's enough to go around for everyone if we all just shared and only took what we needed or actually really wanted rather than going for anything we could lay our hands on?

People don't seem to want to earn things anymore - it takes too long and it's hard work - so they'll just take it any way they can. Has our society become so greedy that even people have become disposable as soon as we feel they've outlived their usefulness?

For a while I thought it was a younger generation thing, but then I saw it more and more in people far older than me too. Is that what they've been teaching their children?

How do people sleep at night? How do they justify morally, spiritually or even financially deliberately disadvantaging a fellow human being for selfish pursuits? Do they not realise the damage they're doing to the people around them? What Karma must they be manifesting?

At the risk of sounding a bit like a hippy, where has the love gone? What happened to 'treat others as you would have them treat you'?

Well, for my part, I don't understand that mindset, nor do I wish to. I choose to continue to buck the trend - it's who I am and probably the thing about myself I like the most - that, despite every setback, I still choose to care.

I WILL continue to take a vested interest in the happiness of the people I care about - ALL of them. I WILL continue to treat others as I would wish them to treat me. I WILL continue to prioritise acting with morality and good conscience over the pursuit for personal gain. I WILL continue to try and love my neighbour. I WILL continue to try to make the world a better, happier place... one person at a time...

Will you?

The First Step...

is the most important and the hardest...

I live a very full life. I have a very demanding job, I study, have family obligations, friend obligations, pet obligations... etc... and a to-do list that only ever seems to get longer...

I try to remain positive though - I think there's already too much negativity in this world and I don't really want to add to it if I can. But every now and then, things get a little much and I need to vent.

During one of these venting sessions to my very patient and very honest housemate, he asked me what I did for fun...

At first I was confused. He asked me again what I did for fun - something that was just for me, just about me and didn't rely on another person, or vice versa.

.... I had nothing...

It got me thinking. A lot. I have a lot of stuff in my life, but I'm not really getting much out of it. If I was going to be brutally honest, I'm not even sure if I even really like my life that much.

Even more honestly, I'm not even sure if I like myself that much.

So, rather than continuing down the same path and ending up a bitter, resentful person, I've decided it's time to embark on a journey to reclaim my life and learn to love it, and myself, again.

I have decided to write it in a blog so I can look back and see how I'm going.

For the record, that conversation was about 2 months ago. Since then, I have started something I have been meaning to do for years - I took a short course to learn to play the guitar - and loved every minuite of it - even the sore wrists/fingers and that cursed F-chord! lol.